Perkins On A First Date.

I was talking to a guy from Tinder and he seemed nice. (Don’t they all?) We were making the usual small talk when he asked if I would want to go out for coffee. We had been talking about how we agree that Starbucks is better than Tim Horton’s but how the little coffee shops were always the best. I figured that we would meet up there and I agreed.

But he suggested Perkins. Which was a surprise. But I like Perkins, so we set a date.

I told my friend where we were going and she was adamant that this was a bad idea. Perkins was not the place to go on a first date. I figured it couldn’t be worse than any of the other terrible first dates I have been on. At the very least, I was going to get a meal out of it. Ideally, a free meal. But I’d be willing to pay for my own food if it meant filling the awkward silence.

The day came. I went to the gym with my mom that morning and I didn’t eat a lot, as I was preparing for a late lunch. I got home, showered, blow dried and straightened my hair (something I rarely do), did my makeup, put contacts in and false lashes (something else I don’t do often). I was going full out. I put on a black sweater and jeans and I was ready to go. I was looking real cute and I put in more effort than I do for almost anything else. I had a good feeling about this guy.

I left early and got to the restaurant. I had time to kill so I took a bunch of selfies and texted my friend to confirm she was available if I needed an out. A few minutes to, I went in and decided to use the washroom beforehand. Which was at the back of the restaurant, so I needed to subtly run to the back and then come back out.

I found him sitting at a table by the window. I introduced myself and sat down. I opened the menu and started browsing, even though I always get the exact same thing and I can order from memory. He started talking, softly enough that I had to put the menu down and actively pay attention.

The waitress came and put a glass of water down, with a lemon slice and asked what I wanted to drink. I was pretty sure they had iced coffee but I wasn’t 100% sure, as I hadn’t got to that section of the menu. So I just ordered a water for the time being.

When she came back, she asked if we were ready to order and this guy said he wasn’t going to order anything. I was mildly surprised and didn’t want to sit there shovelling food in my mouth alone, so I said I was fine as well.

After she walks away, he starts telling me about himself. He opens with telling me that this is his first Tinder date. He broke up with his ex of seven years six months previously, and they have two kids together. What about me?

I was taken aback, as we had been talking for a week or two and at no point did he mention his children. I understand leading with it, but it would have been nice to know beforehand.

I told him I had split from my ex in August. We had met on Tinder and I’ve been on a handful of other Tinder dates. I had no kids, just cats.

Well, he ran with that. He proceeded to tell me about every pet he has ever had his entire 28 years. And how they died.

If you know me, you know that I care more about animals than I do people. (See Bigfoot Is My Dream Man.) My friends will send me videos of these animals that have been rescued and are now living their best lives. I don’t want to know the sad part. I can’t handle that. I just want to hear the happy ending.

I nodded and smiled, trying to not show the horror I felt hearing, in graphic detail, about how they had neighbourhood cats that lived in their shed, and one by one died from eating something poisonous. Or how he had to tell his daughter that her dog had got hit by a car. And so on and so forth. I thought my sister was bad at keeping animals alive, but this guy was worse.

Then the conversation moved back to our exes. He had been with his ex for seven years, and they broke up six months previous. His daughter is almost six and his son is four His ex still lives with him because she is waiting for public housing and he can’t just kick her out. And this way he gets to spend more time with his kids.

I am sitting there, barely able to get a word in. I can feel myself slipping into customer service mode. I have a lot of people open up and tell me their life stories at work and that is what this date felt like.

While I was nodding and smiling, I was doing the math. They were together for seven years and his daughter is almost six. So they were not together for all that long before she got pregnant. And he was 20, 21.

This set off a red flag in my head. But considering he had talked about his dead pets for at least half an hour, this was a non-starter.

He was still going on about how this was his first date. His ex knew that he was starting to see and talk to girls. And he knew she was as well. She had always been the jealous type. Which sucked for him because he would have to talk to women for work. So if I had guy friends, it wouldn’t bother him at all.

BUT! Not all of his friends/family knew that he and the ex had split. So if a certain friend were to come in and see us, he would have to tell them that we were just friends.

Even calling me a friend is a bit much. I met you an hour ago and I am certain that I would not like to see you again. But you have been single for six months. Why are you purposely not telling certain people?

I repeated that I had split a while ago. We had been living together and he moved out. We had been together for two and a half years.

He did not like that. He did not like that at all. Something shifted in him and it instantly pissed me off. He was allowed to have a U-Haul full of baggage but the fact that I lived with an ex was unacceptable? No thanks.

Then he started on about his family. He walked me through every branch of his family tree. Told me about all the dynamics, the divorces and all the drama. Told me about how he had a dream that his grandpa died back in China and he was in the tomb where they bury their family. And then his grandpa died and the tomb was exactly like he had dreamed, even though he had never been there. About how his family in China liked to send expensive gifts back to him and his siblings.

Finally he asked about my family.

I told him my parents were still together. My sister was married and had two kids. I think I might have tried to throw in that I had two dead grandparents, but I don’t think I got fully through that comment.

Somehow he took the fact that I had a niece and nephew as me saying that I wanted kids. (I don’t.) And he has kids, so if he were to date someone who didn’t want kids, then that would be okay. But if I wanted to have kids of my own, he would be down for that too.

And that led back into a conversation about his ex.

Did I go to the gym? He feels like he’s seen me at the gym before. I told him where I go and he got all excited because, yes! He goes to that one sometimes. He used to work there. This gym relies very heavily on referrals, so he would always try to convince people to sign up their friends. He would have to cold call girls and get them to sign up, and his ex didn’t like that. And then it launched into a very detailed explanation about how they bonus/pay system works at this gym.

Speaking about talking to girls! He has a best friend who is a girl. He’s never had feeling for her. It’s strictly platonic. They would talk about everything, share relationship advice and just be there when the other one needed to talk. He’s never had feelings for her. They work together now, and it’s great. He’s never had feelings for her.

A year or so before his relationship ended, his ex told him she was no longer attracted to him. This hurt to hear, understandably. He went to his friend about this. He’s never had feelings about her. BUT he has fantasized about her.

What does he do now that he thinks about her in an adult manner? You tell her, of course!

So he wrote a letter to her. Telling her all about what he was thinking and feeling towards her. That he had a crush on her. Does she like him like that? Check yes or no. And he gave it to her.

This girl gets the letter, reads it and shares it with her friends, a girl who also works with them and one that doesn’t. The one that doesn’t thinks it’s cute and romantic, while the one that does work with them thinks it is sexual harassment and suggests reporting him to HR.

And that is exactly what she does.

In the end, they get it resolved and they are now kind of friends again and so on.

But that’s not where it ends. Like I said, he worked with this girl who suggested the HR report. They have never really got along but it was fine. One day, she just had it out for him. She was super bitchy towards him and he had enough. So he asked her if she was on her period. And she reported him to HR.

First of all, how stupid are you to ask a woman that? You are asking to have your head ripped off and served on a silver platter.

Second, did you really just tell me how you have been reported to HR TWICE for sexual harassment. Even if both instances have been resolved, they both happened. And now I know that. It does not make you look good. It does not back up your claim about not wanting any drama in your life.

He asks if I grew up in the city, and I tell him no, i grew up an hour southeast of the city. He got all excited and asked if I knew Jenny (name changed.) I said I did, I had gone to school with her all the way through.

He said he had met her at the gym and they had become friends. He kept tiptoeing around that fact that they had dated. Finally he just said it. She liked him but in the end, his whole ex situation was just too much.

I was never really all that close with this girl. We were friendly enough. But she had always been a very independent person. Always did her own thing, had her own style. And I respected her for it. So when he told me that Jenny washed her hands of this crazy, I took that as a clear sign that I should stay the fck away.

In the end, we were at Perkins for three and a half hours. We ate nothing. And he had to leave because he had a football game. (Which he asked me to. And I said no, it was going to be too late for me.)

When we walked past the front, he handed the waitress a toonie for putting up with us. I almost died. If I had had any cash on me, I would have given her all of it.

He walked me to my car and jokingly tried to give me shit that I drive a Ford, because he sells Hondas. He said we should do this again, it was nice and I should text him.

I waved him off and got in my car, digging my phone out of my pocket. I had given my friend the heads up to bail me out if I needed. However, I had left it in my jacket pocket and it would have been obvious if I had dug it out, typed something and then she called me immediately. And the bathrooms were in the back of the restaurant, so I couldn’t go to the bathroom and leave without him seeing me. And I’m just too nice of a person to do that.

So I did the respectable thing. I didn’t text him and when he reached out the next day, I blocked him on everything,

Moral of the story: Do not go to Perkins on a first date.