Rude.

I don’t know how we started talking. He unmatched me so I can’t look it up. But I gave this guy my number and he texted me “Hey Megg it’s Bob. My real name is Bobin but my friends and family call me Bobo.” (I changed the name. But it was a lot of options right off the bat.")

He was working his way through the Marvel movies and was telling me how his washing machine was broken, but he knew what was wrong and how to fix it.

Hey, a guy who can fix things! That’s handy.

He made some more small talk and sent the angel emoji and I made a joke about how I’m sure he is “soo innocent.”
He didn’t understand until I explained it. And then he told me no hookups.

The next morning he continued telling me the logistics of how he was fixing the washing machine. It would cost him $150 to have someone do it. Or he could buy the $5 part himself and have $145 to spend on me.

Aw that’s cute.

His mama says he’s too nice for his own good and she’s right.

Well then sweetie, I am not the girl for you. You’re going to bore me in 5 minutes or I’m going to ruin you.

He was watching movies. He seemed to get groceries a lot. The small talk continued for a few days.

He has no tattoos or piercings. Not a dealbreaker but not as much fun.

He gave me some long speech about how he hadn’t asked me what I do for a living because it really doesn’t matter. As long as you’re doing something you love.

Ooooooh…. You don’t have a job, do you?

Nope! He’s not working at the moment. He’s done IT, furniture assembly but he’s working towards self-employment and wants to get into aircraft engineering.

Okay well you can’t open up a small business for aircraft maintenance. Not how that works.

I mentioned that I had worked for a company that does aircraft maintenance and joked that if he needed a good word put in, I’m the girl.

This launched into an explanation of how he has fixed up his car.

Cool. Your qualifications mean nothing to me.

He asked what area of the city I’m in and he owns a house with his brother all the way on the other end. But he used to work at a dealership in my area!

You and every other guy on Tinder.

How tall am I? He’s 5’10”.

Cool.

Oh but then I asked what his type was…

He’s more into personality than if she wears heels. Girly stuff is cool.

Uhhhh…. kay?

He likes real eyebrows. He doesn’t like when people shave them off and fill them in with pen. Girls try too hard. His preference is natural.

Oh honey.

I told him that girls wear makeup for themselves. That I have considered shaving off my eyebrows and drawing them on cartoon character style. (And I will one day.) But currently my brows were pink. And I sent him a picture. With my heavy black liner included. And my 10 product complexion. (Natural is not my thing. We know this.)

He complimented my eyes and mansplained how the outer ring is one colour and the inner ring is another colour. He mentioned he saw blue in them. (My eyes only go blue when I’m angry…)

He sent me a selfie. Mostly in shadow. He was okay…? No panty dropper.

He said he had never seen eyes like mine and asked if my hair colour was natural.

My eyes are a genetic defect. My sister has them too. And no. I spend a lot of money to make my hair this colour.

Who told me my eyes were defective?!

Well, I am blind. But it’s some genetic anomaly.

He then mansplained how my eyes have different colours in them.

Why do I spend a lot of money to dye my hair?

Cuz I can. Cuz I hate my natural colour. Cuz it’s pretty.

It’s fine. (Excuse me?) He’s going bald. He builds his hair up in the centre and people have asked if he wears a toupee.

Keep selling yourself, buddy.

This conversation died off. A few days later he asked me how my day was. His brother’s girlfriend was having a bbq and he got wine drunk. What do I like to eat? He likes everything. (He actually listed out everything. He mansplained sushi.)

He asked what my go-to is for breakfast. (Eggs) And then proceeded to explain just how he makes his world famous grilled cheese sandwich. And how he cooks his bacon that he buys from Costco. And sometimes he doesn’t eat breakfast, he just nibbles on some fruit.

We did the “how is your day going” thing for a few days. And then he texted me saying he was interested in the overhaul position I mentioned. We should discuss it over breakfast. He doesn’t know when though. He’s really busy this week.

Huh? Really? I have not met you yet and you want me to hook you up with a job? That I don’t even know if you are qualified for? That I don’t even know if they are hiring for?

I mean, I want to see that company fail. And I know I could talk my dad into giving me the $250 referral bonus. But still. Don’t hit me up for a favour and then play hard to get.

I didn’t respond until the next morning. He texted me late that night saying he was going out for wings.

Then he texted me the next morning, asking when my birthday is.

He might as well have asked for a kidney. My birthday is not important. But I figured he was asking to be like “if this goes somewhere, I’ll know when it is.” So I would have given him my fake birthday, but it’s in August, which is coming up. So I was honest and said January, but the day doesn’t matter.

Oh but it does! He has this birthday encyclopedia and it tells you everything you need to know about a person.

Now I was a little intrigued. I wanted to know what it said about me and tell him it’s wrong. I told him my day and waited.

He responded by telling me that for him, it says his dark side is judgemental, controlling and inflexible. And he is a radical idealist. (He also said his light side is idealistic, imaginative and passionate. But I truly did not see until a week later when I was relaying this story to my friend.)

But those absolutely do not sound like characteristics I want in my partner. He said that the controlling wasn’t true but the other two were.

NOPE!

More small talk for days and then he sends me a selfie of him, half under a pillow, in terrible lighting to say good night.

That’s when I stopped responding.

Three days later, he texts me “Rude”.

This concluded 2 weeks ago. But then he texted me last night saying he was watching tv and a cartoon came on and it made him think of me.

Mmmmmmmkay…

He said that he had texted me a few times and I didn’t respond. He didn’t know if he did something or if I became interested in someone else. But it happens all the time. Take care.

The whole month I was talking to him, I never saved his number. Because he said his name in the first text, he has been coming up as Maybe: Bob.

And at my friend’s birthday party, I found the birthday encyclopedia he was talking about and bought it. And it’s fairly accurate actually. But I won’t tell him that.

4o Year Old Straight Male Seeking Penpal.

It was late on Monday night. 30 Rock was playing in the background and I was laying in bed, swiping through Tinder. I matched with a few guys, sent a few “Hey, how’s it goings?”s and only half paying attention.

Then this guy messages me. We start talking and he tells me that he just finished watching this week’s episode of Game Of Thrones. I tell him I haven’t seen it (if anyone has a HBO subscription they are willing to share, feel free to slide into my DMs ;) ). He says I should, it’s really good.

He asks what I’m looking for (one of my least favourite questions) and I respond with my standard answer. “I’m just seeing what I find.

The GOT small talk continues and then he asks again. “What are you looking for?”

I choose to ignore the question, as he chose to ignore my answer.

Then he hits me with, “Why won’t you answer my question smart girl?”

I should probably mention that this guy is 40. And he’s not unattractive, but he’s definitely not hot enough to be giving me that kind of sass right from go. We are making one sided small talk. Chill.

I should have tapped out right then. But it’s me. I’m doing this for the blog now.

I repeat myself. Saying I’m not looking for anything in particular, but I’m seeing what I find.

He responds with that he’s looking for a relationship, but he’s open to a penpal. (His profile did say something along those lines but I didn’t think he was serious.) But he’d like to meet in person to get a better feel for what it could be. Would I be interested in going for drinks or coffee? Whichever I prefer.

By know I know that this will not be going anywhere. But I could go for free drinks or coffee. (I’m the worst. I’m aware. But one of these boys has to buy me food yet.) I say sure, I’m open to it.

He asks for my number, and stupid me, I give it to him.

It is now 9:45pm on a Monday night. I was going to the gym early the next morning, but he didn’t know that. He didn’t know what I do for a living. He hadn’t asked. (I didn’t work the next day but that is irrelevant.) I plugged my phone in and turned out the light.

I heard the phone vibrate twice but I ignored it.

I wake up at 4:30am, when my first alarm goes off. I look at my phone and see that I have 5 text messages from a number I don’t know. I assume it’s the Tinder guy. He says he’s available after 3 tomorrow. Would tomorrow work, or would another day be better.

I had forgot that he had technically sent these at 9:46pm on Monday. So, in my head, tomorrow was Wednesday. And no, I wasn’t available tomorrow.

But then… At midnight, he hit me up with this…

Grammar aside, why do you need to know if I’m a “real blond” at midnight on a Tuesday?

I clearly can not be a penpal with you because your grammar makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I’m also too old for that. I couldn’t keep a penpal going when I was in elementary school and I had nothing but free time.

But, sir, to answer your questions:

A. Thank you. That was taken at 7am on Halloween. I was dressed as my niece. I do not look like that in real life. I usually wear a lot more makeup, no fake lashes and my hair exists only in a ponytail.

2. What do I do for living? I drink mostly. I’m on medication to make it bearable and I try to sleep a lot. My hobbies include the above.

III. I am real. And I am blonde. When I was little, my hair was naturally this colour. Now I pay a decent amount of money to keep it this colour. I am my most authentic self when my hair is this colour. But it changes with my mood. (Also, I’m pretty sure if you look closely at my pics, you will see at least a little bit of root.)

Anyway, I went back to bed for a little bit, got up, worked out and went about my day.

Around 2:30pm, I was on my computer trying to do adult things (bills, ect) (but I was actually probably watching KUWTK) and I get a call from a number I don’t know.

I have a policy that I do not answer calls from numbers I don’t know. Unless I am expecting a call from a number I don’t know. And I was potentially expecting a call from a number I didn’t know. But the area code stopped me. It was the new one for the area. And I knew that the guy had texted me from a number with that area code.

I quickly tried to pull up my messages on my computer to check, but the guy didn’t have an iPhone so they weren’t there. I let the call go to voicemail.

Within seconds of each other, I got alerts for a voicemail and a Tinder message. After the call went through, I looked to confirm that the number that had called me was from him.

I did not check the voicemail and it expired so I will never know what it said. And by the time I had gone back on to the app, he had unmatched me.

Here I was, hoping that matching with an older man would mean I would be one step closer to my dream of being a stay-at-home cat mom. But it turns out, they are even more clingy than the ones my age.

I do kind of want to know his story though. Figure out why he’s like this. Oh well, too late.

A Drive Thru Does Not A Tim Horton's Make.

A little back story:

There was a guy I dated on and off in high school. We met when our best friends started dating and we got together. He is the actual textbook definition of an asshole. His picture is the first thing to pop up when you Google “asshole”.

He would disappear for weeks at a time. He never had a cell phone of his own or was always out of minutes (throwback). He had a good heart but was easily talked into stupid shit by his friends. He absolutely formed how and who I am in relationships.

There was the potential to be friends but it didn’t happen. My expectations are basically non-existent for him. You would have to dig a hole for how low he set the bar.  

While I was seeing P, my ex from high school, the Asshole, hit me up on Facebook. It had been the better part of 10 years so I thought ‘what the hell’ and responded.

We had briefly talked two years previously but I was seeing the Jerkface and he said he was engaged to someone. And that was the extent of it.

He did the usual apology for all the stuff he did back in the day. I am a great girl and he should have realized that then. (This conversation happens to me a lot.) He was surprised I didn’t hate him and would love to make it up to me.

We talked for a week or so and tentatively made plans to get coffee and catch up. We settled on a date when I was done work for the day.

I messaged him on my lunch that day, checking in to see if we were still on. He said ‘yea, where?’ I work at a mall so I said he should meet me here when I finished work. I knew he lived nearby so it wasn’t too out of the way and he would have plenty of time to get there.

He said I should meet him on Notre Dame. I asked where, like at a specific place? Or a random light post right in between?

He told me that there was  Tim Horton’s there and he sent me the street address via Google Maps. I opened the link and I recognized the intersection and was certain there was no Tim Horton’s there. But maybe it is behind one of the other buildings. I said I didn’t know what time I would get there, hoping he would just agree to come to the mall.

I finished work and gave in. I messaged him telling him to leave (he said it was a 10 minute walk from his place to the Tim’s.) This was at 6:20PM.

I punched the address into my phone and headed over. I pulled into the Burger King parking lot, certain I missed the Tim’s but then I realized what I was looking at. I was at a gas station that had a Tim Horton’s drive thru. It was 6:40PM.

I messaged the Asshole to tell him I had arrived and I called my friend and informed her of what was happening. She was my designated contact in case I needed an out. She thought this whole thing was ridiculous and I should just leave. But instead, I waited.

I hung up with her and went to check it out. I got up to the front of the gas station and looked inside to find out that it was just a counter. There was nowhere to sit. I decided right then and there that I was too old to hang in a gas station. As it was a sketchy neighbourhood, in the dark and I’m a tiny girl, I decided to wait in my car.

So I scrolled through my phone waiting for a message, keeping an eye out for him, slowly freezing.

The thing that annoyed me most was that there was a Burger King next door and a McDonalds on the other side of it. McDonalds has decent enough coffee. But what was the plan here? Probably just an attempt to get me to come over to his place. But nah, I’m not that girl… anymore.

Twenty minutes later, I had lost the feeling in my fingers so I decided to leave. Back in the day, he was impossible to get ahold of. However, this was 2018 and that was no longer an excuse. It was now 7:00PM; forty minutes after I told him to leave because I was heading over

I had had enough at this point. I was cold, hungry and pissed off. I drove towards my house and stopped at the grocery store to get a few things now that I didn’t have plans. I was just getting out of my car when my phone chirped at me.

“Are you still here? I was having trouble connecting to the wifi.”

It was 7:20PM. An hour after I told him to leave. He was hitting me up on Facebook messenger because I did not want to give him my number. I did not respond and I just blocked him. I figured if he really wanted to see me and make up for all the bs in the past, he knew where I worked.

I haven’t heard from him since.

Bigfoot Is My Dream Man: Part 2.

The big finale! Click here to catch up on the relationship.

The next morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn to go to the gym with my friend and my mom. I woke up to a text from P saying that he didn’t want to start the morning off heavy but there was some things he wanted to get off his chest.

K cool. Was up?

I went off to pick up my friend, the one who had told me to ask him out in the first place. As I was driving, I wasn’t paying too much attention to my phone. I skimmed the messages as they came in, but nothing too concerning jumped out at me.

I was waiting for my friend to come to the car and I got a message saying he wasn’t sure about my comment about me loving his cat more than I love him. If it was a joke, it wasn’t funny. If it was serious, that makes it worse. I shouldn’t say things like that.

My friend gets in the car and I relay this to her. She thinks it’s hilarious. Because it is. I’m funny. I know this. I have a dark, dry sense of humor, but this was obviously not meant to be taken seriously.

Next he said that my comment about Bigfoot being my dream man made him feel small and worthless. Like I am purposely trying to hurt him. He thought he was my dream man. Or am I just settling for him?

Sweetie, you know Bigfoot is a fictional beast, don’t you?

I apologized for my joke not landing. I did not mean for him to take it that way.

By now I was at the gym and my phone was in my locker. Afterwards, I saw the long ass messages and left them for later. I dropped my friend off, who agreed he was being oversensitive and went home to get ready for work.

He said he knows I joke around and it can be cute (I know, I’m adorable) but if that is how it’s going to be, he may feel differently about me. He would NEVER say something like that to me. I just did it to get a reaction. (I did. That’s why you tell jokes.) He doesn’t know if that is just what I do in relationships or if it was part of my personality. He would never ask me to change who I am (ya kinda are). But he will not put up with me playing mind games, and he does not want that in his life.

REALLY?!?! Really…

I said again that they were just jokes. This is who I am. If I’m not teasing you, I don’t like you. I can respect when something comes across as hurtful, and that is never how I mean it. Unless it is. But you will know the difference.

He likes jokes, and he will make them just as much as I do (I don’t think he had made one by this point.) What I said had just been cruel.

Cruel?! It was CRUEL??

Cruel was going too far. This is where I tapped out. Maybe it wasn’t the funniest joke of all time. But cruel was going too far. I went into full passive-aggressive mode.

I apologized for making him feel that way and said I would be more mindful of what I say. But now I was out for blood.

I showed up at work and my friend could instantly tell I was worse off than I had been earlier. I spent the rest of the day crafting The Letter.

A little backstory: I have written every guy of significance in my life a letter. With one exception. It’s usually at some point in the breakup. It’s how I get my feeling out. I can say what I want, uninterrupted. I have made guys cry with what I have said.

I have done enough time going through self-help stuff to know not to be accusatory in your language. Say "‘I feel like” instead of “you did this”. So I was very careful in writing this thing. It took all day. And the help of 3 friends. I refused to be made out to be the bad guy. He needed to grow a pair.

He had texted me halfway through the day and I wasn’t ready for it yet. I was going to wait until I got home and could give this battle my undivided attention.

(Isn’t it great how I’m thinking of it as a battle with the guy that I’m dating?")

He said he missed me and asked how my day was. I said it was okay, I had done a lot of thinking. And I sent him The Letter.

I said that I would leave him with that for the night and we could talk about it in the morning, as it was a lot to take in (according to him).

I woke up in the morning to 6 and a half screens of text. SIX AND A HALF SCREENS.

To sum it up… He understood what I was saying and respected it. He wouldn’t ask me to change but he thinks I should be more mindful of the things that I say or how I say them. Maybe say that it was a joke immediately after saying it.

He can be sensitive. He loves me just the way I am and the person that he knows that I am. (I don’t think that you do…) He’s looking forward to getting to know everything about me. He loves that I know what I want and he respects me for it. He likes having his own time and can do things by himself.

BUT he’s not the most independent guy. He understands that I don’t want to be someone’s entire world, and he feels the same. But not in the same way I do.

Then you don’t…

He wants to share everything and get to know everything about one another. He wants to be part of someone’s life. That is very important to him.

I did not say that I did not want that! That is not what I said!

He took it as I wanted to keep my work life or friends life separate and not tell him anything about it. He seems to think that I do not value honesty.

He has had more than enough time to process his last relationship. He still carries that pain and is not sure when that will go away. He doesn’t need time. He is ready for something serious. But he will always be sensitive.

He will always overthink things and need clarification. He can take a joke but what I said was not a no filter joke. They were attacks on him. And that is not a joke! Maybe I should fiter myself. Or consider other people’s feelings. If not for him, then for the other people in my life.

He does not need time. But if I think I need more time then I probably do.

I did not waste his time. He got to feel like what it was to be in love again, even if it was one sided. And because he is still very much in love, he can’t handle being friends.

I am one of a kind and someone will be very lucky to have me.

So I have heard…

Somehow I still ended up being the bad guy. But at this point, I did not care. The boy had too much emotional baggage and absolutely no willingness to be open to constructive criticism. He was complete unselfaware. That is just too much for me to handle. I can be the guy in the relationship, but this guy was far too much of a girl for me.

And the sexy times were questionable. So there was no real loss.

Bigfoot Is My Dream Man: Part 1.

Disclaimer: This one is going to be in two parts. The lead up and the break up. It’s just a lot to handle in one sitting.

It all begins three months after my breakup with Jerkface. I heard he had a girlfriend and that gave me the answer I had been waiting for. We were done. I downloaded Tinder and started playing around.  

Not too long into my swiping, I matched with P. He messaged me and we started chatting. He was a little bit nerdy, a little bit tattooed and a romantic at heart. Sold!

After messaging for a week or so, my friend convinced me to ask him out for drinks after work. He said he didn’t have the cash and maybe another time. Then I asked if he would want to come over and watch a movie instead. Kind of a stupid idea, considering I live by myself and all of my friends have moved out of the complex. He agreed and we arranged a time.  

After work, I rushed around to make myself look cute, doing a quick tidy and take a shot or two to kill the nerves of inviting a strange boy over to my apartment. He arrived and I opened the door, noticing he was much hotter than his pictures let on.  

We sat on the bed and talked for a while before deciding on a movie. We settled on Sausage Party for some reason.  

The movie was meh. And we started Netflix and chilling. He made some bold moves. Things that definitely set me apart from other girls, as they would have been running out of the room. But it wasn’t bad.  

The next morning, he got approval from the cats while I did my makeup for work.

Over the next week, he visited me at work and brought me coffee. We were walking around the mall, getting to know each other. I found out he had got out of a two year relationship just a month before and there was a decent age gap between him and his ex. He didn’t offer any more details so I left it at that. It was still early and I know the Ex Talk has to happen at some point.

He spent another night and made the trip out of town for a doctors appointment with me. There was never any awkwardness and we got along really well. We had lots of little things in common and it looked like there was a lot of promise. 

Later that night, we decided that we were an “us”.

I was going to leave for a week to go on vacation, so we’d were trying to spend as much time together as possible. The day before I left, he asked if he could come over after work to say goodbye. I said that was fine but my parents were coming over to spend the night, as we had a stupidly early flight in the morning. He was all excited to meet my parents even though we had only been seeing each other officially for four days. 

He came over and we hung out until my parents showed up. They seemed to like him and he got along with them.  

The next morning, my mom and I were off to Mexico. The resort had wifi but P had an Android, so we would have to talk over Snapchat.  

I was posting everything on there anyway.

He messaged me after ever post, which was sweet in the beginning but kind of got annoying as the days went on. Because if I didn’t respond, he would keep popping up. And it was Snapchat, so he knew if I opened it.

We would talk before bed and things would heat up, but it quickly became repetitive. This was still new, so I was letting it slide.

While I was out there, my ex from high school hit me up on Facebook. We started talking and he asked if I would be interested in catching up over coffee. I was up for it, but I said that I would have to check with the guy I was seeing.

I reached out to P, asking what he thought about me having guy friends and hanging out with them.

I am a very easy-going girl in that regard. I absolutely do not mind if the guy I am seeing has friends of the opposite gender. Both of Jerkface’s best friends had been girls, and I got them both in the breakup. They are amazing and I love them!

P said that he was not comfortable with that and did not see why that would be necessary. I was not thrilled with that answer but I figured I would respect his wishes in that regard and table it for the time being.

This left me with a bad taste in my mouth, but I was trying not to dismiss things too quickly. However, I did really want to see this ex and did not want to have to lie and sneak behind P’s back. But I was not opposed to the idea either.

The rest of the trip was amazing. P and I had talked and I had agreed for him to come over when I got back but I wanted an hour or so to unpack and get settled, as it was straight back to work the next morning. He wasn’t happy about it but he agreed.

He came over and we “caught up”. I was selfish and at the end of it all, I was just left disappointed. Again, I wrote it off as a learning curve, but it was going to be a problem if it continued like this.

He got a weird phone call and had to go home. We just texted, which probably made it easier. He called me out for being selfish and said certain things just didn’t do it for him, which made me question his preferences a little bit. I apologized but still was not done with this.

We talked about me coming over to his place for dinner and to meet his mom. I said I wanted to but the next few days were going to be busy and I wasn’t sure if I would have the energy to be charming.

We settled on a day and I rushed to buy something cute after work, as I somehow got makeup all over what I was planning on wearing. I showed up late, but I looked cute. It all balanced out.

His mom is amazing. We instantly clicked and talked about cats and life things.

She had made burgers and P and I went to his room to watch a movie while we ate.

They had a total of four cats, one of which was P’s specifically. She was fluffy and black and white. A perfect mix of the cat I grew up with and one that I have now. She loved me and all the attention I was giving her.

We watched Venom and it was okay. (Spoiler alert?) There is one scene where Venom inhabits a dog, and I was done. I can’t do things where animals can be harmed. (See previous posts.) P just gave me a weird look and went back to the movie. And I went back to loving on the cat.

After the movie, I casually said that I love his cat more than I love him. (Please remember that we have been talking for under three weeks at this point.)

If you know me, then you know that this is completely in my character. I like animals more than I like people. But it was also a joke. I will save the cat from a burning building, but I’m counting on you to save your own ass. I probably can’t carry you out anyway. I have no upper body strength.

We snuggled up and my stream of consciousness kept going.

“I’m actually surprised that I’m not attracted to hairier guys.”

“Bigfoot should be my dream guy. He’s basically a giant cat.”

P did not laugh at any of these, which I was painfully aware of. Maybe he wasn’t paying attention.

Then he casually said that he had creeped my Facebook and Instagram and found pictures of my ex.

Well yea. That’s where I put them.

I asked if he wanted me to delete them, because I wouldn’t do it. I don’t delete anything.

I had creeped his pages, seen pictures of his ex but that did not bother me. But maybe this was when the Ex Talk was going to happen. He kept tiptoeing around it and it was getting weird. He has a past. I have a past. Everyone has a past. It’s fine.

He said no, unconvincingly and left it at that.

I said it was time for me to go home. The cats had to be fed and I was getting up early for a class at the gym. We kissed good night and off I went.

To be continued…

The Creator of Mansplaining.

I matched with this guy on Tinder and we seemed to hit it off right away. We were joking and just clicked. He invited me over. We made plans for Sunday but decided to move it to Saturday night. This worked for me, as I had a solid excuse to not stay the night, but if it went well, we could set something up for the next day. But at the same time, I set up a group chat with two of my friends in case I needed an emergency exit. Cuz you never know.

I show up at his place and immediately had all of the regrets. He had been much cuter on his profile. He looked like he was 15 years older than her actually was. It was like he had been born looking like a 45 years old, he just hadn’t got there yet age-wise. He was the same height as me, which is not usually an issue for me. But in heels, I was taller. And that bugged me for some reason.

He invited me in and got me a beer while I settled in on the couch. He kissed me, and it was fine. I could tell he was nervous and he told me so. Repeatedly. I said I was too, not to worry.

And then he started to talk…

He had injured himself six years previously and said that he hadn’t worked out since then. He just stretches. He is absolutely certain that he is the only person in the entire world to have stretched out every muscle in his body.

What if… he could show me how to not change a single thing in my workout but it would show instant results. This lead into a detailed explanation about how the fitness industry is complete bs.

I have been following along with the social media fitness industry for years now. It is a flawed place, but there are some genuine people with real results. I have found some people that I truly trust their information and their products.

When this guy started saying how everybody wanted an Arnold Schwarzenegger physique but couldn’t actually do it, I really wanted to call bullshit on it. Because I’ve seen people do it. Over time, but it’s still possible.

He went on to tell me how he is going to write a book about how everyone else is wrong and this is the only way to train your body.

I felt a little bit attacked in this moment. I am quite sure he was not aware of the fact that women’s bodies do not work the same way as men’s do. We have a higher body fat percentage and hormones play a big factor on our weight.

I feel good about my body and how I look. It’s a constant work in progress and I really did not ask for his opinion. But he kept going on about how I could eat 3000 calories of McDonald’s and drink a lot of beer and still have a six pack. As if his goals were everybody’s goals. (And no, my body won’t do that. And I don’t want it to.)

This is besides the fact that he has a decent amount of muscle on him, and that means that he has to be working and building them somehow. Muscle just doesn’t magically appear because you will it to.

He asked what I did for a living and I told him that I worked at a beauty retailer. Damn, did he love that. He took this as an opportunity to tell me how self-absorbed the social media world was, and how my job was a shallow extension of that. I love my job and I am good at it, so I took offense to this, but I still kept quiet.

I had texted my friends at this point, telling them I might need them to call me any second. I had a migraine building behind my eye and I was actively willing it to get worse so I could leave.

At this point, I knew this would not go anywhere. I just wanted to see how much deeper he could dig himself.

He then asked if I was close to my parents and if I had siblings. Yes, I am close with my parents. I have a younger sister, no brothers, but a brother-in-law, a niece and nephew. This was the only personal information that I was asked to share.

He told me he was an only child and his mom was very overprotective and religious. But he did not believe in anything. Literally, NOTHING. Praying was stupid and pointless. He was raised Catholic and suddenly everything made sense.

Somehow, he mentioned that his dream job was to be a porn star.

Dead. Serious.

His mom would lose it if he told her, but his dad would drive him to shoots. His dad had always known his son would have a big “hammer”, and had even said so to a buddy, at the hospital, looking at his newborn son in the little hospital bed.

(He repeatedly referred to it as his “hammer” and it was all I could do to keep a straight face. Thank god for alcohol.)

At one point, he asked if I smoked weed and I said that I had just started. For me, it is a way to combat my insomnia and anxiety, focusing on the CBD percentage. But he did not ask about that. He just started to mansplain weed.

Weed is not a new thing to me. I’ve had friends that have smoked it for as long as I can remember and I’m not stupid. And with the release of tons of new cannabis and hemp beauty products, I have a basic knowledge of the differences between things.

But he kept talking about the different strands to get the highest THC level possible and all the hacks he had found to get the biggest high. He insists that he doesn’t smoke cigarettes, but he pulled one out, cut an inch off the tip of it, shoved that into the bowl of his bong and then packed weed around it, assuring me that this was the best way to do it. Because his buddy has been growing for 10 years now, and everyone in the city agrees that he has the best shit.

After that, he opened a little bag on the table, which he told me was tobacco leaves. He rolled a joint with it and started smoking. Except, it seemed like he mostly just watched it burn. He even wanted me to hold it so I could see how it burns up close. He kept asking if I wanted to try it, but I kept declining, as I did not know this guy or where his stuff is from or what is in it. He then threw out a comment about how when fall comes, he’s going to go outside, gather leaves and roll joints in them.

Mmmmkay.

He asked if I smoked cigarettes and I responded with my usual answer. I only smoke when I’m not allowed to punch people in the face. I really only rage smoke. Something to take the edge off because I am not allowed to drink at work.

This lead into a speech about how I should not let myself get stressed out at work. You can’t change people so don’t take it so seriously. Customer service is easy.

I kindly told him that that is not always the case. Personally, I thrive on a certain amount of stress. It’s how I get up in the morning and get myself to be productive. This is not the first time I’ve had a man tell me to calm down and not stress, and it is not something I let them get away with.

But also, don’t tell a woman to calm down. Y’all should know this by now.

Somehow this lead back into the conversation on how meaningless my job is. And society is so accepting now. All the LGBTQ+ (except he said it in a way where he just started saying the alphabet to make the point that he did not take it seriously) people in the world can come out now and be accepted and everyone will be fine with it. He knows this because his best friend is gay!

Mmmkayyyyyyy…

This lead into a 20 minute tirade on what a piece of shit his best friend’s boyfriend is.

He was flipping through his Netflix and started asking if I had seen a bunch of things. The answer is usually no. I have not seen anything. I’m aware that I’m terrible. It’s fine.

He asked if I had seen John Wick. I told him no, and I won’t. Because the dog dies. I can’t do anything where there is any harm to animals.

His response it that yea, he cried. It was really sad and terrible. But we can just fast-forward through it.

N.O.

If I hadn’t seen anything, how could I call myself a fangirl?

I had to explain that I was obsessively into certain fandoms and more of a casual observer of others. I did not need to be fanatic about everything at the same level.

Elsa and Mulan are not princesses and Hermione should have ended up with Draco. I will argue with you until the end of time about these things, because I am right. But I really do not have an opinion on anything Star Wars or DC related.

Did I play video games? No. I’d rather watch people play them and shit-talk. I should have just said I did that with my ex and play up the psycho ex-girlfriend role. But I vaguely said I did it with my friends. Somehow, he still took this as me saying I am a gamer.

He then showed me his mini Super Nintendo, still in the box, waiting for me to be impressed.

Honey, I dated a hardcore gamer for a long time. I know more about video games then you do and even more about the hardware. You gotta try a lot harder to impress me. I know enough that the games he was claiming as the be-all-end-all made him a basic bitch. Cuz I’ve dated those too.

We settled on Big Mouth. I hadn’t seen it but I heard it was good and he is obsessed with it.

Spoiler alert? Maybe?

We were in the middle of an episode and he starts describing another episode where they talk about periods. He told me how accurate it was. How women bloat and bleed, but cramps are no big deal. They exaggerate those.

You know how exactly???

There was a bowl of chips on the coffee table and he started eating them. Not offering me any, but it was fine. He started telling me how he was an amazing cook. So much so that Gordon Ramsay could suck his dick. He was going to make me the most amazing turkey bacon grilled cheese sandwich and it would make me orgasm in my mouth.

(I really should have said I was vegan, just to see his reaction.)

He had finished his chips and leaned over to kiss me again. His breath reeked like sour cream and onion (mostly onion), as he took his time breathing on my face. And licking my face.

He pulled back and started talking about other stuff he had watched on Netflix. He had recently watched the Ted Bundy tapes. That guy was inspiring!

Was I getting tired? I could go crawl into his bed if I wanted.

I said no, I have to go home tonight. My mom is picking me up really early for the gym tomorrow.

What gym? What kind of workouts do I do?

I said that I do classes, at these locations. Turns out he had worked at my gym years ago and knew one of the instructors that still teaches. He had hated that guy and his girlfriend (who also teaches there). He doesn’t like people and this instructor was really shady.

(He’s not. He’s great. Any time that I have been off, he has checked in on me. He’s amazing.)

At the end of the episode, I stood up to get my jacket on and head home. He stood up, asking if I was sure I hadn’t had too much to drink.

I had had two beers. Over the course of 4 hours. I know my tolerance well, and I would have walked home if I needed to. I assured him I was fine and thanked him for having me over. He walked me to the door and told me to text him the next day. He also thanked me for being a great listener, while he rambled on.

I tried to casually run to my car as fast as I could without making it obvious.

Perkins On A First Date.

I was talking to a guy from Tinder and he seemed nice. (Don’t they all?) We were making the usual small talk when he asked if I would want to go out for coffee. We had been talking about how we agree that Starbucks is better than Tim Horton’s but how the little coffee shops were always the best. I figured that we would meet up there and I agreed.

But he suggested Perkins. Which was a surprise. But I like Perkins, so we set a date.

I told my friend where we were going and she was adamant that this was a bad idea. Perkins was not the place to go on a first date. I figured it couldn’t be worse than any of the other terrible first dates I have been on. At the very least, I was going to get a meal out of it. Ideally, a free meal. But I’d be willing to pay for my own food if it meant filling the awkward silence.

The day came. I went to the gym with my mom that morning and I didn’t eat a lot, as I was preparing for a late lunch. I got home, showered, blow dried and straightened my hair (something I rarely do), did my makeup, put contacts in and false lashes (something else I don’t do often). I was going full out. I put on a black sweater and jeans and I was ready to go. I was looking real cute and I put in more effort than I do for almost anything else. I had a good feeling about this guy.

I left early and got to the restaurant. I had time to kill so I took a bunch of selfies and texted my friend to confirm she was available if I needed an out. A few minutes to, I went in and decided to use the washroom beforehand. Which was at the back of the restaurant, so I needed to subtly run to the back and then come back out.

I found him sitting at a table by the window. I introduced myself and sat down. I opened the menu and started browsing, even though I always get the exact same thing and I can order from memory. He started talking, softly enough that I had to put the menu down and actively pay attention.

The waitress came and put a glass of water down, with a lemon slice and asked what I wanted to drink. I was pretty sure they had iced coffee but I wasn’t 100% sure, as I hadn’t got to that section of the menu. So I just ordered a water for the time being.

When she came back, she asked if we were ready to order and this guy said he wasn’t going to order anything. I was mildly surprised and didn’t want to sit there shovelling food in my mouth alone, so I said I was fine as well.

After she walks away, he starts telling me about himself. He opens with telling me that this is his first Tinder date. He broke up with his ex of seven years six months previously, and they have two kids together. What about me?

I was taken aback, as we had been talking for a week or two and at no point did he mention his children. I understand leading with it, but it would have been nice to know beforehand.

I told him I had split from my ex in August. We had met on Tinder and I’ve been on a handful of other Tinder dates. I had no kids, just cats.

Well, he ran with that. He proceeded to tell me about every pet he has ever had his entire 28 years. And how they died.

If you know me, you know that I care more about animals than I do people. (See Bigfoot Is My Dream Man.) My friends will send me videos of these animals that have been rescued and are now living their best lives. I don’t want to know the sad part. I can’t handle that. I just want to hear the happy ending.

I nodded and smiled, trying to not show the horror I felt hearing, in graphic detail, about how they had neighbourhood cats that lived in their shed, and one by one died from eating something poisonous. Or how he had to tell his daughter that her dog had got hit by a car. And so on and so forth. I thought my sister was bad at keeping animals alive, but this guy was worse.

Then the conversation moved back to our exes. He had been with his ex for seven years, and they broke up six months previous. His daughter is almost six and his son is four His ex still lives with him because she is waiting for public housing and he can’t just kick her out. And this way he gets to spend more time with his kids.

I am sitting there, barely able to get a word in. I can feel myself slipping into customer service mode. I have a lot of people open up and tell me their life stories at work and that is what this date felt like.

While I was nodding and smiling, I was doing the math. They were together for seven years and his daughter is almost six. So they were not together for all that long before she got pregnant. And he was 20, 21.

This set off a red flag in my head. But considering he had talked about his dead pets for at least half an hour, this was a non-starter.

He was still going on about how this was his first date. His ex knew that he was starting to see and talk to girls. And he knew she was as well. She had always been the jealous type. Which sucked for him because he would have to talk to women for work. So if I had guy friends, it wouldn’t bother him at all.

BUT! Not all of his friends/family knew that he and the ex had split. So if a certain friend were to come in and see us, he would have to tell them that we were just friends.

Even calling me a friend is a bit much. I met you an hour ago and I am certain that I would not like to see you again. But you have been single for six months. Why are you purposely not telling certain people?

I repeated that I had split a while ago. We had been living together and he moved out. We had been together for two and a half years.

He did not like that. He did not like that at all. Something shifted in him and it instantly pissed me off. He was allowed to have a U-Haul full of baggage but the fact that I lived with an ex was unacceptable? No thanks.

Then he started on about his family. He walked me through every branch of his family tree. Told me about all the dynamics, the divorces and all the drama. Told me about how he had a dream that his grandpa died back in China and he was in the tomb where they bury their family. And then his grandpa died and the tomb was exactly like he had dreamed, even though he had never been there. About how his family in China liked to send expensive gifts back to him and his siblings.

Finally he asked about my family.

I told him my parents were still together. My sister was married and had two kids. I think I might have tried to throw in that I had two dead grandparents, but I don’t think I got fully through that comment.

Somehow he took the fact that I had a niece and nephew as me saying that I wanted kids. (I don’t.) And he has kids, so if he were to date someone who didn’t want kids, then that would be okay. But if I wanted to have kids of my own, he would be down for that too.

And that led back into a conversation about his ex.

Did I go to the gym? He feels like he’s seen me at the gym before. I told him where I go and he got all excited because, yes! He goes to that one sometimes. He used to work there. This gym relies very heavily on referrals, so he would always try to convince people to sign up their friends. He would have to cold call girls and get them to sign up, and his ex didn’t like that. And then it launched into a very detailed explanation about how they bonus/pay system works at this gym.

Speaking about talking to girls! He has a best friend who is a girl. He’s never had feeling for her. It’s strictly platonic. They would talk about everything, share relationship advice and just be there when the other one needed to talk. He’s never had feelings for her. They work together now, and it’s great. He’s never had feelings for her.

A year or so before his relationship ended, his ex told him she was no longer attracted to him. This hurt to hear, understandably. He went to his friend about this. He’s never had feelings about her. BUT he has fantasized about her.

What does he do now that he thinks about her in an adult manner? You tell her, of course!

So he wrote a letter to her. Telling her all about what he was thinking and feeling towards her. That he had a crush on her. Does she like him like that? Check yes or no. And he gave it to her.

This girl gets the letter, reads it and shares it with her friends, a girl who also works with them and one that doesn’t. The one that doesn’t thinks it’s cute and romantic, while the one that does work with them thinks it is sexual harassment and suggests reporting him to HR.

And that is exactly what she does.

In the end, they get it resolved and they are now kind of friends again and so on.

But that’s not where it ends. Like I said, he worked with this girl who suggested the HR report. They have never really got along but it was fine. One day, she just had it out for him. She was super bitchy towards him and he had enough. So he asked her if she was on her period. And she reported him to HR.

First of all, how stupid are you to ask a woman that? You are asking to have your head ripped off and served on a silver platter.

Second, did you really just tell me how you have been reported to HR TWICE for sexual harassment. Even if both instances have been resolved, they both happened. And now I know that. It does not make you look good. It does not back up your claim about not wanting any drama in your life.

He asks if I grew up in the city, and I tell him no, i grew up an hour southeast of the city. He got all excited and asked if I knew Jenny (name changed.) I said I did, I had gone to school with her all the way through.

He said he had met her at the gym and they had become friends. He kept tiptoeing around that fact that they had dated. Finally he just said it. She liked him but in the end, his whole ex situation was just too much.

I was never really all that close with this girl. We were friendly enough. But she had always been a very independent person. Always did her own thing, had her own style. And I respected her for it. So when he told me that Jenny washed her hands of this crazy, I took that as a clear sign that I should stay the fck away.

In the end, we were at Perkins for three and a half hours. We ate nothing. And he had to leave because he had a football game. (Which he asked me to. And I said no, it was going to be too late for me.)

When we walked past the front, he handed the waitress a toonie for putting up with us. I almost died. If I had had any cash on me, I would have given her all of it.

He walked me to my car and jokingly tried to give me shit that I drive a Ford, because he sells Hondas. He said we should do this again, it was nice and I should text him.

I waved him off and got in my car, digging my phone out of my pocket. I had given my friend the heads up to bail me out if I needed. However, I had left it in my jacket pocket and it would have been obvious if I had dug it out, typed something and then she called me immediately. And the bathrooms were in the back of the restaurant, so I couldn’t go to the bathroom and leave without him seeing me. And I’m just too nice of a person to do that.

So I did the respectable thing. I didn’t text him and when he reached out the next day, I blocked him on everything,

Moral of the story: Do not go to Perkins on a first date.

Airplanes, Cats And A Really Amazing Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

About three years ago, I was scrolling through Tinder and matched with G. We started talking and decided to meet up. He lived near me so we decided to meet up at a local coffee shop in the area. 

I told my friend where I was going, just in case. And off I went.  

He was nice. He was cute. I had no idea how to pronounce his name and he introduced himself with a shortened version.  

We ordered and sat down. I very quickly realized we had very little in common. We both worked for companies that involved airplanes. I think he was a maintenance tech and training to be a pilot or something. I just worked at my company for a pay cheque and had little to no knowledge or interest in talking about airplanes. I had to pull all the knowledge that I had ever heard my dad or grandpa tell me. 

Once we exhausted the topic of airplanes, we moved on to pets. And it did not take long to swap all of our cute animal stories.  

All in all, I thought it was going fine. And he suggested we move it to a bar nearby and get something to eat.  

We got to the bar and ordered some beers. We started talking about the Marvel movies and Joss Whedon. We ordered food and thankfully it showed up quickly.

I had ordered a triple decker grilled cheese sandwich. It was amazing. I usually inhale my food, especially when it’s delicious. But I forced myself to eat slowly, to fill the silence now that I had nothing else to talk about with this guy.

We finished up and he drove me back to my car. As I was preparing to get out, I thanked him for the food and said I had a nice time. He leaned over and went in for a kiss. And I turned my cheek. And it was awkward. I gave him a smile and got the fck out of the car.

I went home and went over to my friend’s apartment next door. She asked how it went and I immediately started telling her about the grilled cheese sandwich. Because that was the best part of the last three hours.

G messaged me later on, thanking me for a good date. We kept talking, even though I was pretty set on the idea that this wouldn’t go anywhere. He asked if we could get together and watch a movie and I agreed, thinking maybe it was just first date nervousness and decided to give him a second chance.

I invited him over to watch a movie. A rather stupid idea, considering I live alone. But I figured I had enough friends in the complex to rescue me if I needed it.

He came over and we curled up on the bed and watched a movie. Then he started trying to kiss me and I figured “what the hell” and kissed him back. This turned into Netflix and Chilling. And when all was said and done, I decided it was time for him to leave.

But no. No matter how adamant I was that I had to get up early for work, he just snuggled deeper into my blanket and fell asleep.

So now I am sleeping with basically a stranger in my bed. I settled in and set my alarm for as early as I could. Much earlier than I would normally get up for the job that I was consistently late to.

Morning came and I got up as soon as my alarm started blaring. I did my hair and my makeup which was far more effort that I normally put in. And I was ready to leave for work at 5am, an hour and a half before I am scheduled to start.

And he is still sleeping.

I go over to him, shake him and tell him it’s time for him to get up and leave because I have to go to work. His response is to ask me if he can just keep sleeping here while I go to work.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.

I say no. He’s gotta go and he’s gotta go now. He begrudgingly gets out of bed and then tries to be all sweet and tell me he had a wonderful evening and hopes we can do it again.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT.

I give a tightlipped smile and nod as I usher him out the door.