I Guess I'm Confident?
I am confused. I guess I'm confident? I think of it more as 'I don't give a fuck." Is that the same thing?
I have had friends compliment me when I wear something they wish they could wear. Or that I have the balls to wear bright green lipstick or bright eyeshadow. I know people who don't like working out in front of other people. Or who won't ask a guy out. And I just don't see why you would waste energy on embarrassed about stuff.
I don't think I am perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I have small boobs that are drastically two different sizes. As a result, I am picky about my bikini tops. Every year, my company has a Family Day at the local water park. I've been shopping with my sister and mom for this and they always hate how they look and so on. I have been so on and off with my diet and exercise routine. So I am still overweight but I just dress in a way where I am comfortable. Some days, I feel fat and bloated and not great about my body. But, I have found outfits that make me look little and therefore, are my favourites. And, to be completely honest, I feel my most confident when I am butt naked. Fat, cellulite and stretch marks on display.
If I have one big insecurity, it's my face. I have terrible skin and am constantly broken out or covered in acne scars. That's one of the big reasons I got into makeup. To cover up what I hate and make it into something pretty. Now I enjoy the routine of applying makeup and coming up with new looks. I wear makeup because I enjoy it. Not because society says I have to. Society judges the fuck out of you when you wear lavender lipstick out in public so They don't get an opinion.
To combat my two areas of insecurity, I have two rules in my life, that I do not break under any circumstances.
- I will not wear yoga or sweatpants out in public. (Unless I am going directly to the gym or back home.)
- I will not go out in public with no makeup on. (Again, unless I am going directly to the gym or back home.)
The former is something I picked up from my dad. (I also do not think leggings are pants. I treat them like pantyhose or tights. Appropriate under long shirts or dresses only.) He was raised where you have your nice clothes and your play clothes. He usually dresses up for outings and is usually overdressed compared to everyone else. I am very much like him in that way. I am known for wearing the most inappropriate shoes because they went with the outfit. I am usually way overdressed for drinks and strippers (a Friday night routine). But I like looking put together and it makes me feel good about myself. And that's why I choose jeans or dress pants. Yoga pants or sweats instantly bring my mood down. They are either for working out (where I feel like death) or lounging at home (where I'm usually putting something off). I want to feel good about how I look and I want other people to notice that I feel good about how I look.
Which ties in to Rule 2. As stated above, my makeup is my security blanket. I will not leave the house without, at the very least, foundation, concealer, mascara and brows. Sometimes eyeliner gets added if I have a few extra minutes. I could roll out of bed 20 minutes before I have to leave in the morning, throw on some clothes and be out the door. But, as previously stated, I like looking put together. When I've had a really shitty day, I will come home and do my makeup. Even if I am just spending the evening cleaning my apartment.
Another thing that has really helped me boost my confidence is working out. I like pushing my body and seeing what I can make it do. I have completed three 5ks. I have not run for the entirety of one, But I'm working on it. My upper body strength is so much better than it used to be. Whenever I make a little improvement, it feels like a huge victory. And I like to treat it as such.
I think I'm going to continue discovering who I am and sharing my discoveries on here. So keep and eye out for part two.