I would like to think that I am normal. I like to think that I am aware of myself, and can usually do the digging to figure out why I react the way to things the way that I do. It may be way after the fact, but I usually get there. And as much as I try to not have overdramatic responses, I often fail.
Back in a simpler time, when I was younger, I was easily able to push my emotions deep down and only cry once I was truly alone. Now, at the mature age of 25, I rage-cry on a daily basis.
I recently got an email newsletter about how the 'new generation' is entitled, lazy and unmotivated. This did nothing for my current state.
A little bit of backstory...
I have been at my job for a little under six years. I have been doing my current job description for five of these six years. It is an entry level position that is repetitive and not very challenging mentally. I am very bored and complacent and have been for quite some time. For the last year and a half, I have been actively applying for all kinds of internal positions. 10 of them, in fact. And I was turned down for every one of them.
It was always for the same reasons too. I understood the job description. I would be a great fit for the job. I have excellent references and so on and so on. But there was one person who had experience. They will pass my name on for a posting that will go up soon. Keep trying!
I can basically recite this speech by now. Promises keep on being made but not followed through and I am starting to see a pattern. These aren't jobs that I really want so much as they are something different and I need a change. And a salary increase.
In my current job, I am one of the lowest paid members of my department. And I am the one that is there the most. I have been the first one there and the last one to leave, clocking in overtime that climbed quite high into the triple digits. I am exhausted and burnt out, but the bills need to get paid (even if it's not always on time). A recent management change has left the department agitated and angry. (A mutiny is brewing and it will not be pretty.)
Health is often a topic of disccusion. I think it is a company-wide initiative. My building is plastered with posters about forming healthy habits and the pros and cons of getting enough sleep. I find the whole thing rather hypocritical. It's hard to take the 'Benefits of a Healthy Diet' poster seriously when the company supplies hot dogs, chips and cake at least once a week. 'Team building' is synonymous with with endless amounts of fried food. And getting into a regular sleep schedule is nearly impossible with inconsistent shift work.
The mental health topic is a new one. It was presented as if it is being taken seriously and we should feel comfortable coming to our management team with our problems. I am not comfortable sharing feelings with most people, let alone someone who has a past of being a crazy person and the biggest gossip in the department. It felt insincere, considering I have friends in the department who have been diagnosed and have relayed this to the manager when they are having bad days and some people take it as an excuse or an exaggeration.
Recently, it has all come crashing down on me and I can no longer handle it. I am overworked, under-appreciated, bored, pissed off and on the verge of a breakdown. When I finally work up the nerve to send an email to make my case, my mom (who works in my department) shuts me down and more or less tells me to suck it up. The last job I was turned down for, she insisted I apply for and I couldn't say no, as she had me on speakerphone, with the manager right there. That lead to two and a half months of cancelled and rescheduled meetings before I got the Speech.
This past week, I was told I am not getting enough work done. My breaks are too long. I'm always on my phone or talking to someone. I seem unfocused and I was accused of dragging projects out for far longer than they needed to take. My explanation fell, as usual, on deaf ears.
Now, back to the newsletter...
I had taken these courses that were supposed to help me get the job I wanted. There are certification exams to take on top of the courses. It requires a lot of studying very dry material and 400 multiple choice questions where you select the answer that is 'most correct'. Having recently figured out what I want to do with my life, I decided not to sit these exams.
However, I still get the newsletter. Which infuriated me more than usual when I actually scrolled through it.
The author is looking into why business have such a high employee turn over. It is suspected because the 'new generation' has commitment issues and bails after 3-5 years.
I work in a company that is either people old enough to be my parents or are their children. You've got some Boomers that are still hanging on. The company is mostly older Gen Xers with a handful of Millennials. (My department is almost exactly equally divided between the latter two.) Being in the demographic that I am, and in the environment that I am, I knew exactly what type of person was writing this and that I was going to be offended.
The author's children played sports. And they learned these lessons from team sports. Such lessons as: Hard work; Discipline; Teamwork; Sacrifice; Success and Failure; Goal Setting; Preparation and (my personal favourite) Overcoming Adversity.
Now, I am I a white girl. I am the pumpkin-spice-loving, Ugg-wearing stereotype. I embrace it. However, I choose to dye my hair bright colors, wear equally as vibrant make up, have visible tattoos and have had up to 13 piercings at one time.
I have been asked why I make it harder on myself. I've been told I won't be taken seriously with my choice of body modification. But I don't care. This is who I am. I like having things I like on my body. It makes me feel confident. When necessary, I clean up nicely. I can dress professional and you will be none the wiser. I do things to make me happy because my happiness is what matters.
Now, I know that any adversity I face is nothing compared to the roadblocks other people face. All I can do is speak from my experience. My look has screwed me over. As has the fact that I am young, inexperienced and a girl. (My manager in my previous department had a reputation that proceeded him and a streak for picking on who he thought were the weak ones. Unfortunately for him, we were the strong-willed ones who don't take anyone's shit laying down. )
The first line of this 'Overcoming Adversity' paragraph is "Life isn't fair and much of it involves overcoming setbacks and other adversity."
First of all, 'fair' has become one of my trigger words. I have been told that things have to be fair for everyone. That it's only fair to give other people a chance. I have finally reached a point where I do not care if it's fair for everyone. I am looking out for me and my best interest.
Secondly, are ten failed interviews a setback? And these are just internal. That isn't even counting all the part-time job I have applied for an been turned down.
The stereotype has become that Millennials are lazy and entitled. We want it, and we want it now. If we stand up for ourselves, we are being childish. We are expected to be adults and have everything figured out. But when we set goals, we are told that we are being unrealistic and will change our minds.
I have been told I will regret having 'Fuck You' tattooed on my ankle. I will change my mind about wanting babies. The degree I want to go to school for is unsustainable. I will want to get married when I meet the right guy. I shouldn't swear so much. I should smile more. I shouldn't wear such drastic makeup.
At 25, I have a pretty good idea of who I am. At least, who I am now. I will be a totally different person next year, or in five years. But who I am now is, in my opinion, pretty fantastic. Despite all the stress and anxiety. I, usually, feel good in my skin.
And I did not play sports, and I still learned all those lessons. Because my parents raised me with those values.
This has lead me to a quarter-life crisis. I know what I want but I have other goals to accomplish before I can go back to school. I have some friends who want to support me and others who just seem to want to one-up me with their problems. I want to be happy for their successes but I am not in a mindset where I can do it. When I am upset, I shut up and go inside myself. I will plaster a smile on and pretend like I don't want kill everyone in sight. (A useful skill I learned while working a fast food job in high school.)
I am expected to act like an adult, but am treated like a child. I am expected to be independent to the point where I don't feel comfortable asking even my parents for help. And when I try to open up and tell them that I, emotionally and mentally, am struggling, it only gets addressed when I threaten to do something drastic.
The whole thing is fucked up. And we, as Millennials, are expected to just take it because "life isn't fair".