Single and Not Ready to Mingle.

I have been single for a little over five and a half years. My longest relationship was nine months, on and off. My longest always on relationship was three months. I like to use the term 'terminally single' when it comes to my dating life. I am twenty-five. 

Now, I don't see anything wrong with that. Over the last two or three years, I have been dipping my toe into the dating pool, using apps like OkCupid or Tinder. I haven't had any terrible dates like my friends have. There are moments that I can use as anecdotes, but I have not had a truly awful date. And for that, I am grateful.

I dated a bit in high school. There were periods where I jumped from one boyfriend to another. Only once was it serious, even though it only lasted two months. It always seemed as if it was easy to find a new boyfriend when I was already dating someone else. I also had a best friend who was forever trying to set me up with whoever she was dating's (and she was always dating someone) friend. This never really bothered me. I got one amazing weekend out of that arrangement. And another lead to a four year long on-but-mostly-off relationship that changed how I view everything. 

His name was Steven and we first got together just before my 16th birthday. For those first two months, he was sweet and attentive and amazing. Then something changed and it started feeling distant. We broke up and I fell in love with one of his best friends (the aforementioned serious relationship). That did not last long and I ended up back with Steven. He was my rebound for almost every relationship I had throughout high school. 

He had his issues. He was unreliable as hell and often couldn't be reached. He was constantly gave in to his friends and that got him in a lot of trouble. He was notorious for cheating and knocked up at least three girls while we were together. I became the go-to expert when his new girls didn’t know where he was or what to do. But, and I know this sounds cheesy, when we were alone, he was a different person. I did not set these ridiculous expectations. I just wanted to be there if he needed me.

Steven taught me to be patient and wait to hear the whole story before coming to a conclusion. I set my expectations low, until you show me to expect more from you. I became the super supportive girlfriend, because sometimes there wasn’t somebody else who believed in you. I also learned to tuck my emotions away, which isn’t always a good thing. I may be falling for you, but I am going to keep that shit to myself. He also made me come up with a plan in case I ever got pregnant. I don’t think he intended for that, but it’s always good to have. 

I have had two ex’s who have hated Steven. The first one had massive insecurities, and always needed to be told that he was the best. I tried to break up with him and he just wouldn’t accept it. It lead to me cheating on him (the one thing he couldn’t get over) and a very messy break up. It finally ended in death threats and a restraining order. To this day, seven years after the relationship ended, I have to make sure he is blocked on all social media just to try to keep him from contacting me. 

The second one, M, went to school with us. We dated about a year after graduation for only a couple months. He is the most obnoxious, self-involved douche I have ever met. And in the years since our break up, he has become my best friend. 

I give him a lot of shit and I am a complete bitch to him. But he tolerates me all the same. He knows me better than anyone. He knows my deep dark secrets and I know I can tell him anything without getting judged. He lived two provinces away, so most of our conversations are via texting. But, every day, I am grateful for him. Even if he is a pain in my ass. 

He once described me as “the women that every guy would love to have but is too scared to have because you would tear them apart.” And that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.

I have always known that I have a type. Asshole is my type. Asshole has always been my type. Asshole will always be my type. I know that is a ‘girl’ thing. And ‘real women date gentlemen’, or whatever the bullshit saying is. But I view it a little differently.

As previously mentioned, I have been single for over five years. I have only got really excited about maybe two guys in that time. And they were both in the last year. They both work at the same company as me. One of them is my age and I think we would could make it work, but I haven’t really pursued it. We have had an occasional FWB thing in the past. He intrigues me, because he doesn’t do what I expect in that situation. But, he has been described as an asshole.

The other is a bit older than me and I was crushing hard on him. I was almost girly. We have talked and settled on being friends. When one of my non-work friends met him, she immediately did not like him. Because he is an asshole. 

I like guys that won’t let me walk all over them, which I tend to do to ‘nice’ guys. I like it when a guy has an opinion that is different than mine and is willing to debate it with me. He knows who he is and he challenges me. I am strong-willed and stubborn and I need someone who will can handle that and take me down a peg when needed. And vice-versa. Unfortunately, this usually leads to them being classified as an ‘asshole’.

Two of my friends are in relationships and one is actively looking. But they all have seemed to come to some sort of agreement that I need to be set up with someone. One tries to pawn off guys that are interested in her, but she isn’t interested in. The others have thrown out the “Hey, you’re single, he’s single…” or “You should date so-and-so”.

My mom has recently taken to trying to set me up with a guy that we both work with. He is nice and is older than me. He has two kids that he really cares about. But I am not at all interested and now I am in an awkward position. 

Everyone has ‘baggage’. I know I do and I don’t expect to find someone who doesn’t. That’s not a thing that exists. But I know, and have known for quite some time, that I do not want kids. I do not want to get married. I don’t want any of that. So dating someone with kids is a lot of responsibility that I am not ready to take on now, or possibly ever. 

What everyone does not seem to understand is that I am happy being single. I honestly do not mind being alone. I prefer seeing movies alone. I enjoy pigging out on pizza and beer by myself. I’ll go to restaurants alone. I’ll go shop by myself. I am so okay with it. If someone comes along and wants to do that stuff with me, then fantastic. If not, I’m really not that fussed. 

A lot of my friends want to settle down and get married and have kids. A lot of my graduating class already has. Marriage holds no interest for me. A ring doesn’t guarantee forever. And the thought of having an entire day that is devoted to me gives me so much anxiety. I hate my birthday because everyone that has ever met me has to talk to me. 

A friend recently described me as asexual. And while I understand where she’s coming from (she’s never known me in a relationship) I know I’m not. I don’t fall for guys, but I do have sexual feelings towards them. 

I guess, what I’m getting at, is that I am single and I am enjoying it. I may want a boyfriend or a husband some day, but I don’t at this point. And I am okay with that. I just wish that other people would accept that. I know who I am at this point in my life and what I want. My happiness comes before everyone else. And, right now, I am happy.