4o Year Old Straight Male Seeking Penpal.

It was late on Monday night. 30 Rock was playing in the background and I was laying in bed, swiping through Tinder. I matched with a few guys, sent a few “Hey, how’s it goings?”s and only half paying attention.

Then this guy messages me. We start talking and he tells me that he just finished watching this week’s episode of Game Of Thrones. I tell him I haven’t seen it (if anyone has a HBO subscription they are willing to share, feel free to slide into my DMs ;) ). He says I should, it’s really good.

He asks what I’m looking for (one of my least favourite questions) and I respond with my standard answer. “I’m just seeing what I find.

The GOT small talk continues and then he asks again. “What are you looking for?”

I choose to ignore the question, as he chose to ignore my answer.

Then he hits me with, “Why won’t you answer my question smart girl?”

I should probably mention that this guy is 40. And he’s not unattractive, but he’s definitely not hot enough to be giving me that kind of sass right from go. We are making one sided small talk. Chill.

I should have tapped out right then. But it’s me. I’m doing this for the blog now.

I repeat myself. Saying I’m not looking for anything in particular, but I’m seeing what I find.

He responds with that he’s looking for a relationship, but he’s open to a penpal. (His profile did say something along those lines but I didn’t think he was serious.) But he’d like to meet in person to get a better feel for what it could be. Would I be interested in going for drinks or coffee? Whichever I prefer.

By know I know that this will not be going anywhere. But I could go for free drinks or coffee. (I’m the worst. I’m aware. But one of these boys has to buy me food yet.) I say sure, I’m open to it.

He asks for my number, and stupid me, I give it to him.

It is now 9:45pm on a Monday night. I was going to the gym early the next morning, but he didn’t know that. He didn’t know what I do for a living. He hadn’t asked. (I didn’t work the next day but that is irrelevant.) I plugged my phone in and turned out the light.

I heard the phone vibrate twice but I ignored it.

I wake up at 4:30am, when my first alarm goes off. I look at my phone and see that I have 5 text messages from a number I don’t know. I assume it’s the Tinder guy. He says he’s available after 3 tomorrow. Would tomorrow work, or would another day be better.

I had forgot that he had technically sent these at 9:46pm on Monday. So, in my head, tomorrow was Wednesday. And no, I wasn’t available tomorrow.

But then… At midnight, he hit me up with this…

Grammar aside, why do you need to know if I’m a “real blond” at midnight on a Tuesday?

I clearly can not be a penpal with you because your grammar makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I’m also too old for that. I couldn’t keep a penpal going when I was in elementary school and I had nothing but free time.

But, sir, to answer your questions:

A. Thank you. That was taken at 7am on Halloween. I was dressed as my niece. I do not look like that in real life. I usually wear a lot more makeup, no fake lashes and my hair exists only in a ponytail.

2. What do I do for living? I drink mostly. I’m on medication to make it bearable and I try to sleep a lot. My hobbies include the above.

III. I am real. And I am blonde. When I was little, my hair was naturally this colour. Now I pay a decent amount of money to keep it this colour. I am my most authentic self when my hair is this colour. But it changes with my mood. (Also, I’m pretty sure if you look closely at my pics, you will see at least a little bit of root.)

Anyway, I went back to bed for a little bit, got up, worked out and went about my day.

Around 2:30pm, I was on my computer trying to do adult things (bills, ect) (but I was actually probably watching KUWTK) and I get a call from a number I don’t know.

I have a policy that I do not answer calls from numbers I don’t know. Unless I am expecting a call from a number I don’t know. And I was potentially expecting a call from a number I didn’t know. But the area code stopped me. It was the new one for the area. And I knew that the guy had texted me from a number with that area code.

I quickly tried to pull up my messages on my computer to check, but the guy didn’t have an iPhone so they weren’t there. I let the call go to voicemail.

Within seconds of each other, I got alerts for a voicemail and a Tinder message. After the call went through, I looked to confirm that the number that had called me was from him.

I did not check the voicemail and it expired so I will never know what it said. And by the time I had gone back on to the app, he had unmatched me.

Here I was, hoping that matching with an older man would mean I would be one step closer to my dream of being a stay-at-home cat mom. But it turns out, they are even more clingy than the ones my age.

I do kind of want to know his story though. Figure out why he’s like this. Oh well, too late.