Rude.

I don’t know how we started talking. He unmatched me so I can’t look it up. But I gave this guy my number and he texted me “Hey Megg it’s Bob. My real name is Bobin but my friends and family call me Bobo.” (I changed the name. But it was a lot of options right off the bat.")

He was working his way through the Marvel movies and was telling me how his washing machine was broken, but he knew what was wrong and how to fix it.

Hey, a guy who can fix things! That’s handy.

He made some more small talk and sent the angel emoji and I made a joke about how I’m sure he is “soo innocent.”
He didn’t understand until I explained it. And then he told me no hookups.

The next morning he continued telling me the logistics of how he was fixing the washing machine. It would cost him $150 to have someone do it. Or he could buy the $5 part himself and have $145 to spend on me.

Aw that’s cute.

His mama says he’s too nice for his own good and she’s right.

Well then sweetie, I am not the girl for you. You’re going to bore me in 5 minutes or I’m going to ruin you.

He was watching movies. He seemed to get groceries a lot. The small talk continued for a few days.

He has no tattoos or piercings. Not a dealbreaker but not as much fun.

He gave me some long speech about how he hadn’t asked me what I do for a living because it really doesn’t matter. As long as you’re doing something you love.

Ooooooh…. You don’t have a job, do you?

Nope! He’s not working at the moment. He’s done IT, furniture assembly but he’s working towards self-employment and wants to get into aircraft engineering.

Okay well you can’t open up a small business for aircraft maintenance. Not how that works.

I mentioned that I had worked for a company that does aircraft maintenance and joked that if he needed a good word put in, I’m the girl.

This launched into an explanation of how he has fixed up his car.

Cool. Your qualifications mean nothing to me.

He asked what area of the city I’m in and he owns a house with his brother all the way on the other end. But he used to work at a dealership in my area!

You and every other guy on Tinder.

How tall am I? He’s 5’10”.

Cool.

Oh but then I asked what his type was…

He’s more into personality than if she wears heels. Girly stuff is cool.

Uhhhh…. kay?

He likes real eyebrows. He doesn’t like when people shave them off and fill them in with pen. Girls try too hard. His preference is natural.

Oh honey.

I told him that girls wear makeup for themselves. That I have considered shaving off my eyebrows and drawing them on cartoon character style. (And I will one day.) But currently my brows were pink. And I sent him a picture. With my heavy black liner included. And my 10 product complexion. (Natural is not my thing. We know this.)

He complimented my eyes and mansplained how the outer ring is one colour and the inner ring is another colour. He mentioned he saw blue in them. (My eyes only go blue when I’m angry…)

He sent me a selfie. Mostly in shadow. He was okay…? No panty dropper.

He said he had never seen eyes like mine and asked if my hair colour was natural.

My eyes are a genetic defect. My sister has them too. And no. I spend a lot of money to make my hair this colour.

Who told me my eyes were defective?!

Well, I am blind. But it’s some genetic anomaly.

He then mansplained how my eyes have different colours in them.

Why do I spend a lot of money to dye my hair?

Cuz I can. Cuz I hate my natural colour. Cuz it’s pretty.

It’s fine. (Excuse me?) He’s going bald. He builds his hair up in the centre and people have asked if he wears a toupee.

Keep selling yourself, buddy.

This conversation died off. A few days later he asked me how my day was. His brother’s girlfriend was having a bbq and he got wine drunk. What do I like to eat? He likes everything. (He actually listed out everything. He mansplained sushi.)

He asked what my go-to is for breakfast. (Eggs) And then proceeded to explain just how he makes his world famous grilled cheese sandwich. And how he cooks his bacon that he buys from Costco. And sometimes he doesn’t eat breakfast, he just nibbles on some fruit.

We did the “how is your day going” thing for a few days. And then he texted me saying he was interested in the overhaul position I mentioned. We should discuss it over breakfast. He doesn’t know when though. He’s really busy this week.

Huh? Really? I have not met you yet and you want me to hook you up with a job? That I don’t even know if you are qualified for? That I don’t even know if they are hiring for?

I mean, I want to see that company fail. And I know I could talk my dad into giving me the $250 referral bonus. But still. Don’t hit me up for a favour and then play hard to get.

I didn’t respond until the next morning. He texted me late that night saying he was going out for wings.

Then he texted me the next morning, asking when my birthday is.

He might as well have asked for a kidney. My birthday is not important. But I figured he was asking to be like “if this goes somewhere, I’ll know when it is.” So I would have given him my fake birthday, but it’s in August, which is coming up. So I was honest and said January, but the day doesn’t matter.

Oh but it does! He has this birthday encyclopedia and it tells you everything you need to know about a person.

Now I was a little intrigued. I wanted to know what it said about me and tell him it’s wrong. I told him my day and waited.

He responded by telling me that for him, it says his dark side is judgemental, controlling and inflexible. And he is a radical idealist. (He also said his light side is idealistic, imaginative and passionate. But I truly did not see until a week later when I was relaying this story to my friend.)

But those absolutely do not sound like characteristics I want in my partner. He said that the controlling wasn’t true but the other two were.

NOPE!

More small talk for days and then he sends me a selfie of him, half under a pillow, in terrible lighting to say good night.

That’s when I stopped responding.

Three days later, he texts me “Rude”.

This concluded 2 weeks ago. But then he texted me last night saying he was watching tv and a cartoon came on and it made him think of me.

Mmmmmmmkay…

He said that he had texted me a few times and I didn’t respond. He didn’t know if he did something or if I became interested in someone else. But it happens all the time. Take care.

The whole month I was talking to him, I never saved his number. Because he said his name in the first text, he has been coming up as Maybe: Bob.

And at my friend’s birthday party, I found the birthday encyclopedia he was talking about and bought it. And it’s fairly accurate actually. But I won’t tell him that.